Mistress Vancouver Dominatrix, Fetish, Discipline, Domination

May 2012

bdsm conversations I've enjoyed with my submissive

One very valuable thing you told me, about my deficiencies as a sub, was that it wasn't necessary for me to talk so much, as if it were important what I think, feel, want - that what you want from me is more important. Part of my talkativeness with you has been because I start to open up, to get very animated, and wanting to share - anything, everything! :)

There are times when one needs to be mute, so the audible comes into focus. Listening at the right moment, even to complete silence creates tension between the time-space and the subject; the state of not drifting away, but anticipation, awareness. The figure of authority induces silence, makes one mindful of it with a hint of threat or warning or caution. This is the moment where I sink myself into you, observe you, and intimidate you. Because you’re restrained, speechless, maybe even blindfolded, you have no choice but to receive what’s being given to you. And there comes the fear of the unknown, vulnerability, defencelessness, which feeds me, for it provides two options: to really take advantage of your state or to feel pity for you. Whether I press spike of my heel into your balls or just look down on you with disdain, either way you won’t know the outcome until I decide.

Now I've gotten to know you a bit, to the extent that you allow me to know you. And you know me. So you know that when I walk through the door and accept the handcuffs, it's a commitment on my part to not disappoint you. And of course that's a serious challenge to me. So, I commit, because I trust and admire you (in many ways), and because that's the way to really get the feel of submission, to put myself in your hands. It's breathtaking, scary even, because you have high standards, and you're going to uphold those standards regardless of whether (or perhaps especially because) I can't help crying out, panting, tensing up...I remember well our first session, where I was so overcome, so bowled over by the force of your personality that I forgot that I could ask for mercy. So when you reached out to tweak the clamp one more time, I could only whimper in fear.

The key thing in experiencing that primal surrender is letting go... I know your limits, so now your trust in me will allow for opening up, loosening the knots, accepting. Acceptance is second nature; society, however, wants us to conform, so it tries to impose a framework on us that promotes uniformity for easier control. The safe practice of art, religion or even sexuality legalizes this escape to subspace.

Now I'm starting to sense an emotional kind of element, where there's a joy in submitting to you and being directed by you. There doesn't seem to be a sexual element to this, just the joy of submission. The sexual element is there of course - to be in your presence, bound and vulnerable, and wanting you sexually, wanting to get close to your soft parts but finding myself under your hard edges - to be in a state like that, bound and desiring, needy, - it's like the sexuality of the woman comes rushing in through the senses. It's like the eyes - and the mind itself - are bridges, through which the woman seems to enter one's soul, and possess it, for a time.

I find that men need ripening, like fruit: when they are young, inexperienced, or simply not mature enough, sexuality for them really means what is connected to one's genitals, leaving out the fact that the mind is equally erogenous. Denying physical sexual contact or even orgasm is just as erotic as sex itself. It plays with the concept of not getting what is desired and this sexual frustration is the ultimate aim of suspended arousal. I immensely enjoy D/s and s&m for this reason. It awakens the senses... through an almost naive or innocent approach where opposites agree, ahead of time to meet in synergy.

Having inner, unresolved issues while rushing into something that may make it even worse is not a good idea. However I also think that d/s is one of those safe spheres where one really gains confidence, better self-control, and is healing, because it releases energy, which is in an everyday life shut inside. This is, of course a very ambivalent sphere...


It's so ideal that you're so gorgeous - and unattainable. The fact that you are unattainable means that the situation is founded upon honour. But to see you and desire you - it is torture....


...we'll continue from here...

 

© 2012 Domina Katarina All rights reserved.